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Post by Broken-Life on Wed Jul 14, 2010 5:22 pm

i want to cut. I need to cut. I cant take this mess anymore. My family doesnt understand me. My mom thinks my friends are weird which really upset me. She said it and i guess i wasnt suppose to hear her say that but i did. I'm so tired of this mess. I have kept wuiet all day because i dont want to say anything ill regret. mom wants to go camping and i really am not a camping person, gahhhhh i'm at the edge.i cannot take much more of this mess. I am tired of my family judging me, and putting me down when im the one who cooks for them and cleans when i need to. I do so much and try my best to be the best daughter i can be, wand i do what they tell me without giving a fit. I just dont understand my life anymore. Whats the point in trying to be happy if amm i am going to do is be depressed. I judt need to cut. I wantt to say forget trying to resist anymore. It wont do me any good. i'm so freaking ahhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!! i'm so tired of this mess!!!!!!!

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Post by cassandra on Wed Jul 14, 2010 6:59 pm

hey girl..its worth fighting for..while i'm no where close to being completely free, the bit of freedom i am experiencing IS AMAZING!! even just a taste is SOOO MUCH BETTER than none, and just giving up. i know what its like to have family like you described, thats very similar how mine is..mine have unusually high expectations for me, and it sucks!!its impossible to be the way they want me to, but you know what? that doesn't matter. as long as you do the very best you can, thats all anyone can expect of you
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Post by GodsBabyGirl on Thu Jul 15, 2010 2:20 pm

I'm sorry you are struggling so much, darling. Please feel free to message me if you need to talk. I'm praying for you!!
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Post by Broken-Life on Thu Jul 15, 2010 8:12 pm

SadSadSadSadSadSadSadSad
Was up till 5:30 this morning struggling. I finally called my bestest friend around 4 and told her I needed her, that I couldnt take it anymore....but her husband is very nosey and now he wont leave her alone about it. I feel so bad now. I don't even want to tell anyone anymore. I can't take this mess. Restless nights of screaming and tears. I'm trapped.SadSadSadSadSadSadSad

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Post by Steph on Thu Jul 15, 2010 8:22 pm

You have nothing to feel bad about. I'm glad that you reached out for help.

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Post by Gods.Daughter.1990 on Thu Jul 15, 2010 10:28 pm

ditto steph..
we love you girl..
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Post by Guest on Thu Jul 15, 2010 10:48 pm

I agree with Steph. You can always E-mail me babe. I'm here for ya. Love you Myra!!

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Post by Broken-Life on Fri Jul 16, 2010 1:41 am

I feel bad for reaching out though. Because I know she was sleeping and for her husband to bug her, that must really annoy her right now and I just hate that I have caused that. She said to stop worrying about it that its okay, but I just cant let myself forget that. I know it must be annoying her right now. I hate that I even reached out now I really do.

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Post by FindingFaith on Fri Jul 16, 2010 1:51 am

Hey girl,

I know how it can be when you feel like you are annoying someone and waking them up and causing problems in their personal life. I was just looking through old emails I sent her, and man I know I was annoying her and that I sent way too many emails and texted her way too late at night. But you know what? Looking back on it, I know she wouldn't have wanted it any other way. She loved helping me. And it kept me safe. If made her feel like she was making a difference in my life, and she was, more tnhan she probably knows. And in the long run, thats what mattered, keeping me safe, letting me know someone genuinly cares and to know she was making a difference in my life for the better. Girl, I am sure when she says it is ok she means it. I know it is hard to believe now, but when you look back you will realize she meant it when she said it. There is no reason to feel bad. I love you!
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Post by cassandra on Fri Jul 16, 2010 2:26 am

i agree..seriously, i've thought i was annoying my youth leader, kim, so much, but honestly, she's really been about the only person i've felt comfortable talking to. she's just that kind of person. i know she got frustrated too when i still cut b/c none of it made sense to her, it was like "why would you do this? you need to stop right now!" i would write her long letters of everything that'd gone on when she and her family was away, call her all the freakin' time when i would be struggling, and she even sat down with me and our pastor and the 3of us "talked" well she did more talking than me b/c i just couldn't. anyway, i told her last night at the end of youth, thank you for everything you've done to help me. she said she didn't do anything, just mostly pray, and i told her that she did way more and she didn't believe it, but i told her "you've spent hrs just talking with me when i needed to talk and i really appreciate it" and she was happy she could be there..honestly, i know that if i hadn't talked to her, if i hadn't let her help me, she wouldn't have liked it..how do i know? b/c i remember the first time i told her, she wouldn't let me leave youth until i told her what was wrong, and i just showed her, and it was then she just grabbed me and just kept hugging me, and she told me to call whenever.
so you have nothing to feel bad about. chances are, that person was more than happy to be there to help you when you needed it and will be in the future.
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Post by Broken-Life on Fri Jul 16, 2010 2:48 am

I constantly text her telling her I am struggling that I need her. especially late at night, even though I know she is in bed. and every time I am struggling or even have the slightest urge to cut I message her or text her. I know I have sent over 40 messages in 3 months. I just worry that I am being a bother, I really dont want to be a bother to her, I truly don't. I know that if it wasn't for her, I would still be cutting as bad as I use to a few months ago. I got so bad that my legs would be covered, front and back. and my arms would be too. It got pretty bad. She has always been there for me and we spent a day together and we just talked about it and I tried and tried to get her to understand where I was coming from an like why I do it....and she told me she understands where I come from with the pain that I feel, but she doesn't understand how I could cut myself. I just feel like I have reached out to much....if thats even posssible.......I just......I feel like I am bothering or aggervating her way to much. I kinda feel like I need to back down and just be the old me...quiet about everything.....thats my honest opinion

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Post by cassandra on Fri Jul 16, 2010 3:07 am

where you said you feel like you need to be quiet, that sounds so much like me..i'm naturally quiet and hardly ever complain, which isn't always a good thing..if you really were bothering her, she probably would've told you..it sounds to me like she genuinely wants to help you, especially since it sounds like she really is trying to understand. thats so important
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Post by Broken-Life on Fri Jul 16, 2010 3:50 am

:'( :'( :'(
i ....:'(:'(:'(:'(:'(:'(
i did it again :'(:'(:'(:'(':'(
now i have to find the courage to tell her Sad she is going to fuss at me :'(:'(:'(:'(:'(:'(:'(:'(:'(:'(:'(
im a mess. Gah, i shouldnt have done it
:'(:'(:'(:'(:'(:'(:'(:'(:'(

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Post by cassandra on Fri Jul 16, 2010 4:19 am

if she cares about you as much as it sounds like she does, she won't fuss, but rather will be concerned and worried and just want to show you even more love and support
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Post by ladyclaudette on Fri Jul 16, 2010 11:04 am

I agree with Cassandra!
I'm sorry that you gave in, but God offers forgiveness, and your friend will too. I am praying for you, that God draws you closer to Him. We're all here if you want to talk/rant/anything. You are loved!

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Post by Broken-Life on Fri Jul 16, 2010 4:53 pm

thank you girls. Yall are helping me a lot right now. I appreciate it loads. Im alone for a few hours.....struggles again SadSadSadSad

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Post by ladyclaudette on Fri Jul 16, 2010 5:32 pm

No, you're not alone, God is right there beside you Smile

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Post by Guest on Sat Jul 17, 2010 12:00 am

I agree with Claudia and Cassandra. She'll still love you and want to help. My youth minister did after I fell every time and I'm sure she will too. I'm praying super hard hun!

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Post by Broken-Life on Mon Jul 19, 2010 12:48 am

but i feel alone seriously. Life just gets worse. My anorexia is getting worse to where im tellin myself not over 600 calories a day. I dont know whats happening to me. Im becoming a mess, and it scares me. I dont know what im going to do next. Im close to cutting again tonight. I'm ughhhh.

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Post by thinking on Tue Jul 20, 2010 9:35 am

Don't stop reaching out! We all understand what you're going through...it's good you can keep yourself accountable with your friend, or talk to her. You know? Friends are there for each other, don't have a regretting thought for talking to her!
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Post by Broken-Life on Tue Jul 20, 2010 5:09 pm

but we havent talked since the day after that. I just cant stand it. i wish we could just talk about it. I feel stupid for trying. I hate it and i regret every bit of it. I really do.

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Post by cassandra on Fri Jul 23, 2010 8:49 am

then tell her that..she'll understand, and be "glad" you told her
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Post by Broken-Life on Fri Jul 23, 2010 4:20 pm

well.....i wont get to talk to her this whole week Sad she has family that came down. its going to be rough. i'm just struggling so much to not cut, and my eating disorder is getting to me. I feel so week. I barely want to move Sad

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Post by cassandra on Fri Jul 23, 2010 5:05 pm

if you're feeling like that, then you need to find someone else to talk to..or what about trying to e-mail her, that way she's free to respond when she's able to?
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Post by Broken-Life on Sat Jul 24, 2010 1:08 pm

i can't find no one else though. She is the only person i trust who is close to me an stuff. i send her messages on facebook because she hardly checks her e-mails and she gets on facebook every day atleast once. Its just hard. Going a week without talking to her, especially when i need her. it just hurts right now. I told her i want to come stay with her and have some time together before school starts back. I am just so lost today. I really neeed to talk to her, but i can't. :'( this is where i neeed my paw-paw here.

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