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Post by Broken-Life on Fri Jul 30, 2010 12:40 am

So I cut last night....and now the world just seems to be crashing down on me........I am alone tonight.....mom is asleep, others are at the station......I asked 2 friends to go to church, friend 1 said they would and friend 2 said no because friend 1 is going.....friend 2 isnt even going to come see me or come around me anymore because of friend 1....its basically childish games or something....i dont know whats going on between them, but it hurts me an it really upsets me....friend 2 said they would always be there for me and everything and now she is just leaving me because of friend 1......I am so ready to cut again tonight. I am tired of all the drama in this world, tired of having to be hurt and cry myself to sleep. I am tired of it all!
I dont want to even try to resist tonight, I know I will cut anyways. Whats the point in trying if life is only getting worse. Nothing has gone right today. Friends left me earlier for my other friend, so I have been abandoned to the house for the night.....the urges are tremendously strong. I want to call my friend an talk to her, but she is in bed, and I dont want her husband questioning her again..... Alone in this fight once again....Going to be a long terrible night SadSadSadSadSadSadSad

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Post by Steph on Fri Jul 30, 2010 10:50 am

Myra,
I know that relationships aren't easy at times. You said, "I dont want to even try to resist tonight, I know I will cut anyways." You will only cut if you choose to give in hun, you have the power of Christ behind you to resist. If you say that you don't even want to try then you are just giving up and choosing to fall into something you know that God doesn't want for you. This isn't a guilt trip, it's simply the truth. It's a choice hun and you are at the crossroads.

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Post by Gods.Daughter.1990 on Fri Jul 30, 2010 11:17 am

i agree with everything Steph has said..
BUT i also wanna say, that true friends don't make you choose between each other.. and your right it is childish games and it does hurt, i have been there and am actually facing it right now, BUT i also know that i don't have to accept the games to mess with my head and my emotions, cause thats the enemy using them to get to me and thats what he is doing to you.. I am praying for you hun and remember my inbox is always open for you to write to me.. i am always happy to listen.. i love you sweetie and KNOW you can beat this, YOU are much strong then you give yourself credit for...

LOVES YOU sweetie
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Post by Broken-Life on Fri Jul 30, 2010 6:29 pm

i didnt give in steph. I cried myself to sleep. I cant take this mess nmuch more. I want5 things t5o be okay. I hate being put in the middle of it. There both good friends, and to lose one over the other sucks! SadSadSadSadSadSadSadSadSad
i hate it! they wouldnt even talk to eac other. I hate it. I cant stand it anymore. I dont like it. Gah, why cant things just be okay.

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Post by Steph on Fri Jul 30, 2010 7:47 pm

So glad you didn't give in hun! What an awesome thing!! Crying is ok, it releases the hurt. (((((((HUGS)))))))

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Post by Broken-Life on Sat Jul 31, 2010 2:52 am

this is not going how it needs to be :'(
friend 1 is leaving an not coming back so there will be no more drama :'( i guess ive lost a friend either way :'(. i wanna cut, i dont wanna feel this. Im tired of crying.
:'(

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Post by Gods.Daughter.1990 on Sat Jul 31, 2010 3:02 am

awwww sweetie ((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))))

i am here for you hun, you don't need to cut.. you are stronger then you think love.. and all of us here are here for you girl.. I love you.. PM or IM me if you need to talk okay hun..
loves you
xo
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Post by Broken-Life on Sun Aug 01, 2010 2:27 am

:'(
alone again tonight Sad
everything is just Sad!
i dont know what to do. I want to cut so bad,so bad! gahh!
i have to wear a skirt tomorrow to church, and my ankles are covered in cuts and no one knows about them, which scares me loads! :'(
ahhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!
i dont know what to do. I wanna cut so bad!!!
:'(:'(:'(:'(:'(:'(:'(:'(:'(:'(:'(

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Post by Guest on Sun Aug 01, 2010 9:37 am

When the intensity heats up, that means you are closer to your Victory. It always seems darkest just before the dawn arrives. You serve a faithful God, and He's working behind the scenes on your behalf.

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Post by Broken-Life on Sun Aug 01, 2010 2:26 pm

Sad
it seeems like things arent getting better though. Im in a good mean, i mean, i am happy, but something keeps telling me its all just another mask being worn.
not falling asleep til 5 13 is really kicking my tail right now. I dont even have the energy to get up. I went to church this mornin and now i just feel like laying in my room all day and not getting up for the next few days :'(

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Post by Broken-Life on Sun Aug 01, 2010 10:30 pm

just when you think a day is going to be a good one.....went to town with my family and few of there friends, well, i tried to spend time with them and walk with them, but i kept feeling like i wasnt wanted to be around, and like i was out of place Sad
i've never felt like i wasnt wanted around until today Sad its a crappy feeling to have right now. I'd love to curl up and hide in my room from everyone and just let go of all my feelings right now. I hate feeling like this. :'(

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Post by hopalongkim on Mon Aug 02, 2010 9:06 am

I know being with family all day can be hard. But it ios the Devil telling you that you arent wanted...he knows you are in a bad position, and thats when he strikess the hardest...sometimes i think it wold be better if he said things while i was in a good mood. but anyway thats not the ase. when you are feelng upset or want to cut, jsut go read the bible or pray. God will never let the temptation be more than you can stand. i know its hard to overcome the battle of self injury, but you can do it. you have a power that not a lot of people do. you have. you have the power of Jesus Christ, and witht that, anything is possible!! if you need to talk im here!Smile you can message me anyttime. (Hugs))
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Post by Broken-Life on Mon Aug 02, 2010 3:53 pm

thanks hun. The day isnt getting any better. :'(
i wanted to go see the only friend i can truly talk openly to tonight, but plans have changed Sad
i just cant stand this feeling. I want to cut, and get rid of the feeling, i dont like it one bit.....i try and i try to do mt best and keep my smiles on my face, i heard my mom and nana talking on the phone this morning, and my nana told my mom that she doesnt think im happy even when im showing a happy face Sad
i dont know what to think. No one here really understands me other than one person, but she has company coming friday for a whole nother week Sad
life succks!

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Post by Guest on Mon Aug 02, 2010 5:06 pm

(((((((Myra!!!!)))))))
I love you hun. You're so strong and you don't give yourself credit. Did you realize each day you have gone without cutting IS a victory! I know I haven't been around much, but I'm here if you need to talk.

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Post by Broken-Life on Mon Aug 02, 2010 6:28 pm

thanks hun.
i'm not as strong as you think. I can be strong for others and be there when they need me or what ever you would like to call it, but i am not strong. I may show strength or being strong, but i"m far from strong hun. I know i'm not that strong. i promise you, i am not that strong. I'm only strong for others.

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Post by Steph on Mon Aug 02, 2010 7:06 pm

It's ok to be weak, because when we are at our weakest we learn to rest in the Lord. Keep your eye on the prize girl.

For I consider that the sufferings of this time now are not worthy to be compared to the glory about to be revealed to us. For the eager expectation of the creation awaits eagerly the revelation of the sons of God. For the creation was subjected to frailty, not of its own free will, but because of him who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself also will be freed from its slavery to corruption into the freedom of the glory of the children of God. For we know that all the creation groans and suffers the agony of labor pains together until now; and not only this, but we ourselves, who have the first-fruits of the Spirit, also groan within ourselves, while we eagerly await our adoption of sons – the redemption of our body.

Romans 8:18-23

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Post by Lizzie on Mon Aug 02, 2010 8:10 pm

i love you myra!
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Post by Broken-Life on Mon Aug 02, 2010 10:26 pm

thats a good verse steph. Its hard. I went to church where my sisters go, and i waslaughed at but not sure why still....i just cant even describe how i feel right now :'(
i want to crawl in a big hole and hide forever. *sigh*
when will things get better, i want to be truly happy and feel like i do belong :'(

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Post by hopalongkim on Tue Aug 03, 2010 6:49 am

I know the whole "strong" thing. I do it all the time. but there has to be sometimees, where you are yourself. Like if youre not acting like yourself around at least one person, you will lose yourself. i knopw that sounds confusing, but heres an example. I have worn a mask since the age of 9, and i try to be myself around my best friends, but its hard, because I dont know who I am anymore. Jsut remember masks may cover things up, but it doesnt amke anything better in the end.
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Post by Broken-Life on Tue Aug 03, 2010 3:10 pm

i'm so use to wearing masks though. I show and tell how i truly feel to my bestest friends, which is like 4 people. One of them knows everythinng. I try to tell her everything, cause i do trust her and she is always there for me when i neeed her. I guess i'm just.....i dont know. Why be strong for myself, when i am better at being strong for when others need me? does that make any sense?
my parents have been talking about letting my sister and me get our liscence and car and stuff....but not sure how that will go.....hopefully good.....
well .........:'( i seen a reall pretty girl earlier today. She was sooo skinny. I looked at myself and then looked at her, i feel ashamed at what i see in the mirror. Its hard to lose weight when my parents go out to eat and stuff. Im trying so hard to get to where i like what i see but so far its hard to do.
Sad
**sigh**

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Post by GodsBabyGirl on Tue Aug 03, 2010 5:29 pm

Broken-Life wrote:thats a good verse steph. Its hard. I went to church where my sisters go, and i waslaughed at but not sure why still....i just cant even describe how i feel right now :'(
i want to crawl in a big hole and hide forever. *sigh*
when will things get better, i want to be truly happy and feel like i do belong :'(

Sometimes happiness isn't based on what things are going wrong or right in our lives, but on what we take from life itself. Life isn't always bad. God doesn't let that happen, period. You could sit and dwell in the negative all day long, but what do you get from doing that? I understand that you are struggling a lot right now, but sometimes our struggles are brought on by ourselves. I remember being in the exact spot that you are in. Day in and day out I was miserable from the moment I woke up to the second I fell asleep. I wasted a good two years of my life being miserable instead of taking control of my emotions and not letting them get the best of me. I'm not saying that it's an easy thing to do, but sometimes you have to create your own happiness, whatever that may be. Life is truely what you make of it. If sitting in your room being miserable all day long is what makes you happy, then so be it, but find something that makes you happy and grab hold of it. I don't mean to sound like a bitch, but I'm just speaking the truth.
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Post by Broken-Life on Tue Aug 03, 2010 6:32 pm

I do what makes me happy. No one likes what I do....I have went to church (thats the place I am happy majority of the time. no matter what) But something inside of me jerks at me, an keeps saying a fool. a fool. who are you? your the fool....I try and I try to do what makes me happy. I like to perform Hands In Motion in front of people because that always makes me happy, no matter what. When I do it in my room you know, like going over it and practicing, it just doesnt feel the same, even if I imagine being infront of people. or do it infront of my mom, it just doesn't give me the same feeling.....When I am infront of a church or a crown of people. performing my Hands In Motion, its like....Its like God showing right through me, Like, God is holding me tightly in his arms, saying let all the things you feel out right here, and do this for me Myra, this is what your good at Myra....Ya know? I dont know what it is about doing it in front of churches or perople, but it really gets to me, and I can put a smile on my face, even when life has got me down on my hands and knees. I can put a smile on and just sign away and have the biggest smile on my face and truy mean it......

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Post by GodsBabyGirl on Tue Aug 03, 2010 7:09 pm

That thing that jerks at you and tells you that you are a fool is Satan. Don't believe those lies, sweetie. You are so much more than self-injury and everything that Satan brings into your life. Cling to Jesus in the moments when those thoughts of being a fool come across your mind. Cling to Jesus in every moment you live. He will bring you true happiness in ways that you never would've imagined.
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Post by Broken-Life on Tue Aug 03, 2010 7:27 pm

i am trying to hold on to jesus and no let go. I am just struggling a little to much i guess. I feel like i am letting down everyone who wants me to be free from this, who wants me to be happy, who wants me to succeed in life. Im letting everyone down
:'(

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Post by Steph on Tue Aug 03, 2010 9:13 pm

Hun, it's not about you and it's not about the people you think you are letting down. What's important is your relationship with Christ and living your life to please Him. Is He saddened by your struggle? I'd have to say that knowing what the bible says about His character, I'd have to say Yes. Does His heart break for you and want you to be whole and restored? An absolute yes! He sees your hurt, he sees YOU! He wants you to know that He is ever present with you in these struggles and that He desperately wants you to come to Him and release all those burdens and worries and heartaches at His feet. Pour out your heart to Him, be completely honest with him! But you must also do your part and leave those burdens at His feet to handle and not take them back. Drop all that pain at His feet for Him to deal with and open up your heart to what He'd have to do in your life. Surrender to Him and His will, surrender to what He'd have you to learn in this valley time. The mountain top will come again, I promise! It always does! Hold on until then and let Jesus take your burdens.

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