Idk ... ~TRIGGER WARNING~

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Idk ... ~TRIGGER WARNING~

Post by Beauitful Disgrace on Fri Sep 10, 2010 9:32 pm

Please be VERY CAREFUL if you read this. I don’t mean to trigger anyone but I wanted …. needed to get this out.

“Whoever said that the first cut is the deepest is so way off. It took me a little over eight years to make that cut. Looking at my wrist it feels as if I’ve been always doing this but its only been eight years felled with a whirlwind of emotions.
Holding the knife to my wrist this is it I thought I would pull the blade across my wrist making everything STOP.. My heart STOP…My lungs STOP… My mind STOP… My pain STOP.I would do this and be dead. I didn’t really want to die I jus wanted to be happy and free.”

Today as I was about to write in my journal and I decided to look about the book a little and I found this. I don’t really know when I wrote it but I know it been within the past year or year and half. I see how far I have came since this yet how far I haven’t. I still feel myself longing for that moment. I set here with a bracelet making 41 weeks self-injury free and I wonder when it will get easier. Some days it is but lately I have been finding myself in days that it wasn’t be so easy. I find myself facing many of the things that I ran to the blade to get a away from. I also find myself playing this movie reel in my head, I plan the whole act out, pick where, get everything ready and every plan how Im not going to tell anyone. And the movie stops.. I cant lie to everyone and say Im doing fine when Im really not, not anymore. I just want this all to stop. I think that I could deal with the pain and everything that I was running away from when I was running to the blade if the urge where to go away. All the way away.

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Re: Idk ... ~TRIGGER WARNING~

Post by Guest on Fri Sep 10, 2010 10:13 pm

Momo, I love you so much. I'm so proud of you and how far you have come. 41 weeks is an amazing accomplishment! It does get easier, I promise it should. Maybe the reason you are facing the things again now is because God knows you will be safe while handling them this time. Just a thought. You know I'm here for you. I love you mucho, mi amiga mejor. I love you

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Re: Idk ... ~TRIGGER WARNING~

Post by Steph on Sat Sep 11, 2010 10:05 pm

Mo, you are so precious and I appreciate your honesty. You have come so far and God is going to continue to grow you if you continue to surrender to Him and His will. I'm so proud of you! Keeping holding on girl. The urges will become less frequent and will be easier to resist the more you resist. There are times when I still have the temptation to self harm but I have committed myself to no self harm so everytime that temptation comes I am able to keep that promise I made to God and myself. The tempations don't come as often either and the urges aren't as intense. There is hope and God is strong enough to see you through.

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The Last Time *triggering*

Post by Krystal on Thu Dec 09, 2010 10:55 pm

I agree it takes awhile to actually go deep. This past summer was the last time I actually cut. I had a fight with my mom so i tossed something at her and then flew out the door. I think I told the story of how i was crying because i behaved so rudely to my mom when i looked up i saw something shiny,well it was a piece of glass i picked it up examined it and Cut. that was the first time I actually went deep. I never want to go deep again. It hurt, it burned and it just wasn't a good experience. So that was the first time i went deep. I've read my medical reports and when it mentions my SI it says didn't break skin but there are puncture marks. Sad. That is all I have to say about going too far.
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Re: Idk ... ~TRIGGER WARNING~

Post by GodsBabyGirl on Fri Dec 10, 2010 5:58 pm

Girl, you have come so far! I'm so proud of you! Give yourself some more time, it'll get easier.
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Thanks

Post by Krystal on Fri Dec 10, 2010 7:42 pm

I know it will get easier my program coordinator said I should just take it one day at a time. After I sent her an email thanking her for the chat. I had with her about everything.
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