A tad Confused.

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Post by Guest on Mon Sep 13, 2010 8:42 pm

I'm not struggling with self-harm. But, in the midst of not struggling, it makes me struggle.

Self harm (and all issues, but self harm was the biggie) consumed my life for ten years. Every thought was about it, covering it up, freaking out thinking someone would find out. My dreams were filled with it. My wardrobe choices were revolved around it. My relationships were either completely damaged by it, or they were derived from the commonality of our self injury tendencies.

I am so much happier now that I have abstained from all of my issues.

My relationships are healthier (some, I just had to give up).

My life is better.

But... I feel empty.

I feel this huge void.

Cutting and burning were my best friends. It feels like I have turned my back on my best friend of 10 years.

My thoughts about it aren't incessant, but I do think about it enough for it to really frustrate me.

I've tried busying myself, as I feel the most down went I have a lot of alone time.

I've been reading constantly. I have even taken up writing again, which I haven't really done since I was in Mercy. I've been journaling. I've been upping my Bible studies and my normal Bible reading time. I've spent more time in prayer and worship.

But it's still there. This little hole, this little void.

And it makes me worry and wonder.

What am I doing wrong?

I want God... and recovery... more than anything in the world.

I am putting my all into making my life better, in making my life for Him, in using my life to glorify Him.

With interviewing for new jobs, my scars are hindering me. No one can outright deny me of a job (ethically and legally speaking) because I have scars. But, it's blatantly obvious what my scars are from. And there are numerous scars covering almost every body part. I'd have to wear pants, closed toed shoes, long sleeves that also covered my chest completely, and hair down over the side of my face for all of my scars to be hidden. And that's not practical. Who would go to a job interview like that in the Summer in the south?

So, I am faced with exposing my scars. I am okay doing this in public, I am used to it. People will judge regardless. Whatever. But, it's really hurting me prosper as an adult. They see my scars and know what they are from (or assume, which is worse than if they outright ask), and they don't want a "crazy person" working for them, no matter how long it's been. They'll think of a different excuse of course... not enough experience, not the right hours, etc.

In facing these scars every day, where it is really hurting my future, it makes me miss it. It makes the void and hole seem even bigger, no matter how contradictory that may seem.

People seem to get antsy about my two tattoos on my wrists when regarding jobs. And my response? Someone would deny me because of my scars before they would of my tattoos. I could hide my tattoos with a watch and some bracelets. My scars? I've tried heavy duty make-up. It's futile. It's completely pointless.

And I feel I am getting redundant, going in circles, making no point.

I just feel like cutting is a part of me. My future already seems doomed because of my past... so why not just continue?

And in saying this, I don't plan on acting out in my issues, I am just so frustrated.

Sorry for the rant.


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Post by Broken-Life on Mon Sep 13, 2010 10:23 pm

praying for you sweetie.
here if you need me

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Post by Ally on Tue Sep 14, 2010 3:10 am

I'm sorry this is going on for you.
Firstly, your not doing anything wrong, your trying so hard & that's amazing. I think it'll just take time for other things to fully fill the place SI took. But the plus side of that is there's plenty more positive things you can try/take up that are so much better.
As for the scars, I'm at a loss. I'm so sorry it's affecting you like this. The only suggestion I can think of is maybe a really light long sleeve top or something that's like, half see through for your arms. We have really hot summers here in Australia & know how much of a struggle it can be, although no where near the extent to which you have to go through.
Keep positive, keep trying. A job will come avalible and something will fill the hole left.
Let God continue to heal you. *hug*
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Post by Steph on Wed Sep 15, 2010 7:18 pm

Hey girl,
The thing with cutting is that it fills a place where only God should be allowed to fill. We put cutting before our relationship with God and expect things from cutting that it really can't give us. So when we stop, we are empty because we've relying on cutting to meet our every need and not God. I praise God that he has brought you so far. Rest in His care and allow Him to fill that void that you have.

About the job thing...God will provide. Your scars are not going to stop God from caring out His will for you and providing for your every need. He is so much bigger than your scars.

Keep pressing on. Rest in His care and let Him fill you with His Spirit.

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"He tends his flock like a shepherd: He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart..." Isaiah 40:11

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