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Post by Broken-Life on Mon Oct 04, 2010 8:07 pm

tonight, i want to cut, i want to slice my skin. Bad! i'm tired of people mocking me like its all a joke, tired of having to smile, laugh and pretend. I want to run to my room, and cut away until i go to sleep tonight. I need my paw-paw here now, so that i can stay in his arms an feel loved, and like i belong :'( i dont do anything but hurt people, or upset them :'( what more can i do, i'm the problem, i think. I just want to cut all over myself and scream! :'(! life has been real rough here lately, i've thought a lot about my paw-paw, and have been mocked for 3 days now and made fun of by other people :'( i just cant stand it anymore girls, my past keeps flashing in my head, all the mess i had to go through, :'( why does this have to happen right now :'(!!!!!!!!

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Post by Steph on Mon Oct 04, 2010 8:26 pm

I'm sorry you are having such a rough time right now. Turn up some praise and worship music and listen to it. Write your "paw-paw" a letter. Think of the good times you had with him. I know you miss him, but cherish those precious moments that you had.

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Post by Broken-Life on Mon Oct 04, 2010 10:22 pm

i'll give it a shot steph. I already have music going, so i'll start writing my paw-paw a letter. I do miss him, oh so much. I truly believe life would be better if he was still here. There aren't to many good times to cherish, but i'll give it a whirl, may even write a poem on it, i dont know. Just gotta keep myself distracted, another hour

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Post by Broken-Life on Mon Oct 04, 2010 11:15 pm

not working Sad i sat in his chair while writing the letter :'( dont know what to do now. Bed time in 15 minutes, its going to be a nightmare Sad brother and girl friend in here, so i dont know that i can get by without getting caught Sad

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Post by Ally on Tue Oct 05, 2010 2:17 am

Sweetie, im sorry things are so hard for you.
Hang in there. Curl up in bed, hug a teddy and cry.
It's okay to cry, its okay to let it out.
And do it somewhere like curled up in bed with a teddy so you feel safe and comftable.
If you want a distraction/relaxation, this takes complete focus for a while & can help
I was taught this by my psychologist;
5 things.... [you do 5 of them, then 4, 3, 2, 1 & they have to be different every time]
5 things you can see.
4 things you can see.
3 things you can see.
2 things you can see.
1 thing you can see.
5 things you can hear.
4 things you can hear.
3 things you can hear.
2 things you can hear.
1 thing you can hear.
5 things you can feel [physicaly, eg; blanket. emotionally, eg; sad. in your body, eg; tired]
4 thigns you can feel.
3 things you can feel.
2 things you can feel.
1 thing you can feel.
Give it a go, i thought it was silly, but it is a good distraction if nothing else
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Post by Broken-Life on Tue Oct 05, 2010 6:53 am

curled up to my pawpaws jacket last night, and the distraction (5,4321) just didnt work for me, i kept saying family members or my music, and the feel part was rough to do Sad couldnt cry last night, my brother and his girl was in here all night last night. Barely slept, and got up at 430 this morning Sad didnt have to get up til 530 Sad its going to be a long and rough day again Sad i go to school with "smiles" on my face, and inside i'm crying my heart out :'( i hate having to pretend that i'm okay, and pretending i'm nothing but happiness. No one accepts the way i truly feel, its like i'm not alloud to feel anything other than happy emotions :'(

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Post by guardyan_angel on Tue Oct 05, 2010 7:19 am

*hugs* Oh, Myra, sweetie. I wish I was there for you right now. I know there's nothing much that I can say that won't be repetetive, but... I love you, I'm praying for you, I care about you. And that won't ever change, no matter what. *hugs*
~Drea
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Post by Broken-Life on Tue Oct 05, 2010 11:40 pm

thanks drea. I love you too. I'm trying my hardest to keep strong tonight. i have been triggered all evening Sad
i'm not sure how much longer i can hold off :'(

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Post by GodsBabyGirl on Wed Oct 06, 2010 6:47 pm

I hate to be the bitch of the boards and say this, but it needs to be said... Dwelling in the loss of your paw-paw isn't helping anything. I understand that you miss him, I really do understand, but saying to yourself over and over that things would be better if he were still alive is just digging you deeper into a hell-hole. I'm in no way trying to minimize your grief because your feelings are just as valid as anyone else's, but dwelling in the negative and continuing to keep yourself down will do nothing except slowly kill your faith. You have a bad night and the first thing you say to yourself when you get up in the morning is, "It's going to be a rough day," you're exactly right. The fact that you already predicted that it's going to be a bad day is what's going to make it a bad day. How about instead of assuming the worst, assume the best for once. I'm sorry for such a harsh post, but I was in your shoes less than a year ago and it was a living Hell. I just don't want you to walk any further down this path that you are on. I'm praying for you.
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Post by Gods.Daughter.1990 on Wed Oct 06, 2010 8:27 pm

All i have to say to encourage you is this.. A pastor from the church i am attending told me this to encourage me, then decided to preach on it that night at church...

"What we think, becomes words, which then becomes actions which then become habits, which guide your path which controls your destiny..

We were once just a caterpillar of the world, but when we become born again in Christ, He transforms us into a beautiful new creation. A butterfly which soars the skies of heaven. Once we are transformed our minds are renewed of things old to things of God. We are no longer a thing of the earth, but of God. "

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Post by Broken-Life on Thu Oct 07, 2010 7:16 am

i say things were better when he was here, because they were. I never felt alone when i was with him. Its just a hard life to live right now. I am sorry for posting this.

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Post by Guest on Thu Oct 07, 2010 12:04 pm

"God doesn't always give us what we want, He gives us what we would want if we knew everything that he knows."

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Post by GodsBabyGirl on Thu Oct 07, 2010 5:15 pm

Broken-Life wrote:i say things were better when he was here, because they were. I never felt alone when i was with him. Its just a hard life to live right now. I am sorry for posting this.

I'm not saying that things weren't better when he was alive, I'm just saying that dwelling in the fact that things aren't as good as they used to be is just keeping you down. If you can find one thing to smile about everyday, even if it's the same thing over and over again, you will be amazed at how much better life seems. I understand life is hard right now, believe me, I know, but dwelling in self-pity isn't going to get you anywhere. I don't mean to make you feel bad because that's not my intention at all, but the encouragement that the girls are giving you doesn't mean anything if you don't allow it to encourage you.
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Post by Broken-Life on Thu Oct 07, 2010 8:29 pm

i'm taking the girls advice, and listening and trying everything they suggest.i do say at least 1 thing good about my day in my head.

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Post by Guest on Sun Oct 10, 2010 12:40 pm

Broken-Life wrote:i'm taking the girls advice, and listening and trying everything they suggest.i do say at least 1 thing good about my day in my head.

Now today challenge yourself to two Truths about your Image in Christ!

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Post by Broken-Life on Sun Oct 10, 2010 2:22 pm

two truths about my image in Christ, would be that even though i think i am ugly, i am beautiful in Christ. Another one.....would be,ummmmm.....i guess i have a big heart for others,

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Post by Guest on Mon Oct 11, 2010 9:43 am

Broken-Life wrote:two truths about my image in Christ, would be that even though i think i am ugly, i am beautiful in Christ. Another one.....would be,ummmmm.....i guess i have a big heart for others,

I am committed to helping those who are "seeking" the truth through a heart that bleeds for Christ.

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Post by Broken-Life on Mon Oct 11, 2010 8:20 pm

ughh. Whata long day it has bee. I finally told my best friend about a cut from a week ago, and he got real upset me with, and hasnt talked to me since last night, so i'm trying to be patient, and not do anything. Its hard thoughm my brother's girlfriend and i wre suppose to spend a little time together today, and just do something to forget the world even if it was just going for a walk, and we havent. its like i'm left alone :'(

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