falling apart *trigger*

I'm so sick of this. I've hated my body all of my teenage life. I was suicidal all through high school. I was a cutter and self abuser. I haven't for about a month. I've never accomplished enough damage to satisfy me. I've tried a sharp knife, but I swear God made it dull when I tried to hurt myself. no matter how hard I pressed it never cut deep enough to bleed more than a little. I'm so stinkin' tired of it! I want to see my life fluid run down my arm. I'm sick of the stupid scratches! Why won't it work! I'm gonna go home and beat the crud out of myself. My dad is trying to leave us. My brother moved out, but it's not like he didn't break down my self-esteem and degrade me when he got mad (which was often). My mom is working more so I'm either home alone or stuck with my dad who is off his meds now and is becoming more angry and violent and cursing like crazy. It's just like when I was little, except I'm not gonna cry. I'm so sick of being weak! I'm gonna go get rid of this ugly fat body and become physically strong and fit. i'm going to become a stronger person. I'm not going to let my dad bug me. I'm going to ignore him, i'm going to ignore how pathetic and stupid and useless he makes me feel. i'm gonna shut out my stupid, pathetic emotions and I'm not going to care. I'm just waiting for everything to collapse. but no matter how much I want to disappear, I'm going to become stronger. No matter how much the emotional turmoil in my house and my world tears me apart. I'm not going to fall. I might be internally destroyed, but I will not let my appearance give that away. My heart is damaged. God, please don't let me break.

I'm so sorry for all you're going through. That completely sucks. & I'm sorry you are feeling so horrible.
Glad you are going to try to do things to improve your life, but don't let it eat your soul.
You can and will get out of this situation, but for now, its okay to cry [if your family tells you not to, cry alone, but cry, it's helpful]
Please don't beat yourself up. Or try not to. I'm not going to stop you, but in the end, that's not going to help the situation.
Can you try to get help? A counsellor or an organisation that can get you out of home?
Becasue what you're living through is not okay and is abusive.

Remember, dispite what your family may believe, you are such an amazing person.
You are so far from worthless. You are so loved by God & cared about by us.
You will get through this. I know you need to harden the inside a lil to survive, but don't do it to much that it can't be undone.

Heyy. Keep holding on there. You can make it through.

I know what a sticky predicament your family is in there. I've been along a similar road myself, though can only imagine how hard it is for you.

You say you want to be strong. Physical training is great, though only in moderation - please look after yourself. But something I've been challenged by many times is that true strength is in facing up to your emotions, and loving and caring about the person who made you feel this way. Look at Jesus' example. The strongest accomplisment in history was through love, not through not caring.

But far be it from me to preach to you. I know it hurts, and I know the escape offered by the mentality you're aiming for. I'm so glad you're fighting to survive. And like Ally said - it might be best for you to get out of that situation. Ask God for the courage to speak up. I'm praying for you right this minute.

My dear friend please know that I am praying for you. Life may be hard for you right now and inside you may have broken but god will pull you through this all, I just know he will. I'm so sorry you are having to go through all of this, it truly breaks my heart to see people have to hurt like this because I. Kniw its hard and I struggle with it myself but I lift you up in prayers tonight and throughout the days

Thank you for the support. I know my situation isn't as bad as some others. It's just so frustrating. I was getting better after years of being stuck and I'm slowly slipping backwards. I don't want to. I have bruises on my face cause I beat myself yesterday. I don't want to do this everyday like I feel like doing. But it made me feel better. I hate crying because it makes me feel weak. But I know I need to sometimes.
My dad is just in so much physical pain from a back problem and he's just becoming more angry and upset over being jobless, but he's also starting to give up on his faith. He knows God exists, but he's just giving up because our situation is getting so bad and he isn't seeing any light ahead of him. I just hate how he's yelling and cursing. He keeps yelling at me about stupid things and I just feel so scared and upset. I've forgiven him for the times he's hurt me physically and verbally in the past. But the way he is now is starting to bring up my old fears. I love my dad. No matter what he does to me I'll love him. I know he's going through a lot of physical and emotional pain. but why do I have to be so scared, upset and hurt?

It's so easy to just lash out at those closest to you when you're in pain - physically or emotionally - and I guess thats part of what your dad's doing. But if it's hurting you and scaring you this much, then it needs to stop. Don't be afraid to point out to him - gently - how much it hurts you when he yells. It's not fair for you to have to bear so much of his burden, however much you love him.

I don't know much about your situation, but perhaps you could do with some outside help - maybe try to get him to talk to a vicar (pastor?) or something.

But above all - watch and pray, and know that I am praying for you too. God will not give you more than you can bear, and what you suffer is allowed so that you may learn to trust and lean on God even more. I guess that may sound harsh, and I'm sorry if it does - but it's actualy wonderful that even through suffering, God is drawing us closer to Him.

Past abuse will always leave fears, however hard you try to forgive and forget. That I can testify to, and know no solution other than prayer, and trusting God to comfort you, to give you His strength and hold you in His mighty hand. It's hard for 'tough' people to do - I'm no exception there - but ultimately what God desires is the sacrifice of a broken spirit, and a broken heart thrown upon Him to fix and mould to His perfect will. We need to give up our own strength and accept that everything we have comes from Him, and therfore He is the only one who can fix our brokenness.

I fear I have rambled unhelpfully - apologies if this is the case - but my prayers are with you.

I just had the most intense heart-to-heart with my dad. I basically just released all of what I've been feeling. I told him I love him, that he could NEVER disappoint me or fail me. and a whole lot of other stuff. and Now I feel happy. like ACTUALLY happy for the first time in so long! Thank you Lord!

Praise God indeed! He is truly wonderful. And well done - that must have taken some courage.

I pray that your relationship with your dad will continue to improve and heal.

The bible says in Rom. 8: 28 that 'And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them according to His purpose'

All things work together for good. This means all things including your problems, trials, tribulations, weakness and failures.