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Post by Jenna09 on Mon Oct 18, 2010 11:24 pm

I know I've been off the boards for a really long time, and I feel bad for not being around and all the sudden coming back to complain. Idk.

For the past few months my dad has started drinking again from stress at work and with that comes a lot of anger from him. It had been a while since he was physically or verbally abusive but it's all started up again. And it really sucks. I've been trying to move out, but I really just don't have the money or the time to figure out a roomate/apartment with school and working two jobs and all the stuff at home. And I started cutting again. I completely lost count of how long I had gone without it, but I know it was getting close to a year. I feel like a failure. I also started burning. Which is getting out of hand. I'm afraid that my parent's will find out and I'll make everything worse at home.
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Post by Guest on Tue Oct 19, 2010 1:10 am

And now comes the CHOICE time. Do you choose to stay stuck or do you turn around?

Do not turn back to slavery, walk through the healing process, it is painful but WORTH IT!

Start by memorizing a verse:

Galatians 5:1
If is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm then and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.

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Post by Jenna09 on Tue Oct 19, 2010 12:02 pm

I know I don't want to keep doing this but sometimes I don't know if I can stop either. I didn't do it for so long so I figured that it would be easy to stop if I started cutting and all again but I was wrong
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Post by Steph on Tue Oct 19, 2010 5:47 pm

Jenna, it saddens me to hear about your life at home but also you going back to cutting and burning. Just because you messed up and started again, it doesn't mean that you have to continue. It's so important to remember that. Dawn is right you have freedom in Christ. If you are a believer He has set you free from sin and equips you to handle temptation. You have to continuely turn away from self harm. Everytime you are tempted and look to it again, turn and run the other way. Claim the promises of God's Word. Love you girl. You can do this in the Lord's strength. Think about the long time you spent not self harming, think about how awesome that is! Just because you messed up doesn't mean you have to start back at the very beginning of your journey of freedom from self harm. We are going through a continually process of growth when we are striving to walk in freedom. Pick up where you left off!

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Post by Jenna09 on Wed Oct 20, 2010 10:55 pm

I really wish I wouldn't have started cutting and all again. I didn't want to. Like, there's always a bunch of crap going on at home. My dad is a jerk. But I really didn't think he was going to hit me again. And the worse everything got at home the more I started thinking about cutting and burning. I tried so hard not to do it again and I've been doing it every day now. I feel like such a failure. It's going on 7 years now since I started and I feel like I've gone numb to it. I was thinking about it today and I guess I figured I was going to start doing it again anyway. I'm so stupid. It shouldn't be this hard. Especially after I made it so long without needing to cut

And as for God, I feel like He doesn't give a rip. I've prayed for years that maybe He would change my dad and He would make him stop being so mean. And that my dad would love me. I've prayed for that since I was a little girl. Nothing ever changes. I don't feel close to God anymore. I think he's letting this go on since I've screwed up so much in my life. It's a punishment I guess.
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Post by Ally on Wed Oct 20, 2010 11:57 pm

Aw sweetie, im so sorry things are so horrible right now.
I can empathise with you so much because i'm going through similar things and looking for a way out.
There should be organisations around you who can offer accomadation for you because of what you're going through.
Please try yo look into that. I know it's hard & difficult to find time. But you need to do this for your safety & so that you can get better.
*safe hugs* hang in there. If you want someone to chat to, I'm always here & i understand.
You're not alone in this
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Post by Jenna09 on Thu Oct 21, 2010 3:35 pm

This is impossible. Last night was so bad
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Post by Broken-Life on Thu Oct 21, 2010 5:18 pm

Jenna I am praying for you sweetie, life is rough an I am sorry please know I'm here for you, do all you can to turn away from cutting an burning. Get out the house when you can, even if its just fir a few hours. Sending my loive anf. Hugs

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Post by Jenna09 on Fri Oct 22, 2010 2:24 pm

My mom is talking about reporting my dad. It got really bad again last night. But I don't know if I can deal with that..it'll be way too hard
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Post by GodsBabyGirl on Fri Oct 22, 2010 4:17 pm

I'm praying for you, sweet girl. I'm here if you want to talk.
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Post by Broken-Life on Sat Oct 23, 2010 1:39 pm

Praying oh so much for you sweetie!

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Post by Jenna09 on Sat Oct 23, 2010 2:27 pm

I've never hated SI this much til now but I keep doing it. There's too much negative stuff going on at home. I want to stop and I want to trust God but it's so freakin hard
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Post by Guest on Sun Oct 24, 2010 10:51 am

Remember: Every day is a new chance to stop existing and start living.

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Post by Jenna09 on Tue Oct 26, 2010 12:05 am

I'm SO done. Idk if this is worth it.
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Post by Guest on Tue Oct 26, 2010 12:07 am

Set down your chains, until only faith remains

Set down your chains and lend your voices only to sounds of freedom

No longer lend your strength to that

...which you wish to be free

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Post by Jenna09 on Tue Oct 26, 2010 12:10 am

I just want to give up. This isn't worth it. My life is crap. I'm tired of it.
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Post by Broken-Life on Tue Oct 26, 2010 6:47 am

Hey jenna. Don't give up sweetie. I know life is hard for you right now an it seems to be ike crap, but things willl get better, just reach out to the Lord an cry out to Him. He can help you through all of this if you will just let him. I know how it is to want to give in because life is crappy an you feel its not worth it anymore, but just think of the day when you live in your own house an have your own rules and not have to follow your parents rules, an more freedom is given to you hun. You won't have to deal with some things when in your own house. Please jenna, know that I am always here for you if you ever need someone to talk to or to just listen, I am here, I am also praying loads for you. Sending my love an hugs with prayers your way.

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Post by Jenna09 on Tue Oct 26, 2010 8:09 pm

I hurt so bad.
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Post by Broken-Life on Tue Oct 26, 2010 9:47 pm

I am so sorry jenna (((((((((hugs)))))))I am praying oh so much for you jennan don't give up. Keep holding on

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Post by GodsBabyGirl on Tue Oct 26, 2010 9:48 pm

"When you feel like giving up remember why you held on for so long in the first place." I'm here for you, sweet girl. I'm praying for you.
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Post by Jenna09 on Tue Nov 02, 2010 8:00 pm

I can't do this
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Post by Steph on Tue Nov 02, 2010 9:22 pm

Girl, quitting using the word "can't". With Christ you can. He has equipped you. He is with you and never will forsake you. With Him YOU CAN!!!! If anyone was on my side, I'd want it to be Almighty God and HE IS ON YOUR SIDE!!!

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Post by Steph on Tue Nov 02, 2010 9:27 pm

Jenna09 wrote:I really wish I wouldn't have started cutting and all again. I didn't want to. Like, there's always a bunch of crap going on at home. My dad is a jerk. But I really didn't think he was going to hit me again. And the worse everything got at home the more I started thinking about cutting and burning. I tried so hard not to do it again and I've been doing it every day now. I feel like such a failure. It's going on 7 years now since I started and I feel like I've gone numb to it. I was thinking about it today and I guess I figured I was going to start doing it again anyway. I'm so stupid. It shouldn't be this hard. Especially after I made it so long without needing to cut

And as for God, I feel like He doesn't give a rip. I've prayed for years that maybe He would change my dad and He would make him stop being so mean. And that my dad would love me. I've prayed for that since I was a little girl. Nothing ever changes. I don't feel close to God anymore. I think he's letting this go on since I've screwed up so much in my life. It's a punishment I guess.

It's not punishment, God doesn't work that way. And could it be possible that God is working behind the scenes, and you can't see all that is transpiring. Could it be that God has a special plan for you in the midst of this circumstance with your dad that is above and beyond all the pain you have endured? There is great hope in that! Life isn't about being easy, it's about growing to become more like Christ regardless of what is happening around us and bringing Him glory. He isn't surprised by your pain, but He does have a plan in it.

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Post by Broken-Life on Tue Nov 02, 2010 11:36 pm

Be strong sweetie and keep fighting, you can do this. Just keep distracting yourself with writing, cleaning, singing, dancing, music anything hun. Hang in there an fight
(((Hugd)))

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Post by Jenna09 on Thu Nov 04, 2010 8:52 pm

Thanks..

I really hate SI. I don't even know why I keep doing it if I hate it so much.
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