*triggering* Needing it aand junk.

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*triggering* Needing it aand junk.

Post by Jenny201307 on Mon Mar 28, 2011 12:14 am

All I want to do right now is cut. I need to cut. That's ll Ive been able to think about forever now. I've always had two simple rules that I forced myself to abide by ALWAYS: NEVER EVER take a blade to school and NEVER EVER use anything to cut with at school and I've done both. Recently. This is the longest I've gone in over a month and it's only been 3 days. That's horrible! I just wanna say forget it and not bother trying anymore. I try to be happy for everyone around me and not let them know how upset I am, but it's only making things worse. I'm spending the night with my dad's mom again, even though it's supposed to be occasional. It's like she's pawning me off on as many people as she can so she can spend time with my dad. I'm trying to listen to music, but it's not working. Nothing is. I need to settle mt mind so can sleep, but that's not happening anytime soon. 2 hours is all I've been getting for the last 5 days and before that it was only 4 for 3ish weeks. I've been having horrible nightmares were my dad violently murders me and they're SO vivid. Everything has me so triggered. I feel like going at it with no mercy right now and not caring. I just want to be able to get through the night without cutting and get just a little dreamless sleep. This ll just seems like a lot of crap to me. I'm trying to act indifferent to it all, but it's not working. I've always felt that forcing myself to be indifferent is better than letting things bother me, even though they do. I guess I try to fool myself, and at times it works for a few minutes, then I start thinking about something again and there it goes. I guess my mind is my own worst enemy and a horrible place to be left alone.
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Re: *triggering* Needing it aand junk.

Post by Steph on Mon Mar 28, 2011 9:25 am

Hey girl, just wondering how you are doing now? Were you able to abstain from cutting? I know when I don't get sleep, my mind is easily swayed to places it shouldn't go.

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Re: *triggering* Needing it aand junk.

Post by Jenny201307 on Mon Mar 28, 2011 5:49 pm

I screwed everything up again. I don't see the point in even trying sometimes because I always mess things up. I feel so stupid. I should be able to go more than 2 or 3 days without cutting, but I can't. There's so much going on right now and it's overwhelming. I still can't help but be angry with myself. My mind is already easily swayed and nights are always the hardest. I've always been easily influenced. I have no back bone, like my mom.
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Re: *triggering* Needing it aand junk.

Post by Steph on Mon Mar 28, 2011 6:11 pm

Turn that anger at yourself into motivation. Get angry at the blade and the sin behind the blade not at yourself. Renew your mind daily with God's Word. Lay your burdens at His feet daily. Keep workin' on it girl. Now is not the time to give up! Fight!

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Re: *triggering* Needing it aand junk.

Post by Jenny201307 on Tue Mar 29, 2011 5:41 am

Yah. I just get so discouraged sometimes. I never thought of that though. I usually just get fed up with myself, but getting angry with the blade instead is a good idea. I started going through Beauty for Ashes by Joyce Meyer last night. One of my best friend's mom gave it to me. She's basically taken the role of mom for me recently.
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Re: *triggering* Needing it aand junk.

Post by Steph on Tue Mar 29, 2011 11:13 am

That's great! I have that book and have read it as well (though it was quite a while ago) and it's a good one.

Another book you might want to get and go through is Jan Kern's book "Scars that Wound, Scars that Heal", there is also a bible study that goes with it called "Live Free Jouney: Small Group Study". It's a small group study but can be done individually as well.

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Re: *triggering* Needing it aand junk.

Post by Jenny201307 on Tue Mar 29, 2011 11:31 am

I have the CD version and so far, it's wonderful. I do love to read though. I'll see if I can get my hands on that book. Thanks Steph!
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