Not struggling in the struggling sense, but...

I have absolutely NO urges to hurt myself in any way. This is probably the happiest, most sound and at peace I've ever been. It's kind of outrageous considering all the sdofjdsoifj going on around me... but I'm great!

HOWEVER, even though I have no urges to act out in any SI behaviors, I am still somewhat struggling. Not with the act of cutting, but with my scars.

A lot of people (and when I say this, it's an assumption based off of the people I know who SI, not a fact) hate the scars that cutting and burning bring. I don't. I actually love them.

I by no means flaunt them. When I was actively active with it, I covered my entire body up. After I stopped, I started wearing shot sleeves. Not because I wanted to show them off (as, even though I have been wearing short sleeves for two years, it is still mega awkward), but because I was tired of being held down by them.

And here I am with a lot of scars... but not happy with them. I look at them and feel like I need more. They aren't long enough, wide enough, dark enough.... they're just not enough.

Logically speaking this is absolutely ridiculous. I can't even count all of my scars. I've attempted, but failed. Some of my scars are still purple/pink, even after five years worth of fading. There's only one scar no one has ever seen, and it's on my stomach. This scar is absolutely horrible. And I am indeed ashamed of it. Yet... I want scars like that, that hide away, in sight for me. I like rubbing them. Rubbing them reassures me that I'm alive, that I've survived... if that makes sense. And I can't rub my stomach in public. But I can rub my arms and legs.

And I keep telling myself that I'm okay... that my scars don't define me. And I KNOW they don't. I really do.

And I know that I am going to get replies, telling me that God is the One who will satisfy me, not my scars. The reason why I feel like they're not enough is because they're not, but that God is more than enough. I know this, I do. There's a quote by Goethe that says "To think is easy. To act is hard. But the hardest thing in the world is to act in accordance with your thinking."

I KNOW that my scars aren't my saving grace, and that by HIS wounds I am healed, not by my own. But to take the Truth that I know, and have that replace the lies in my head... is so hard.

I know the truth, and I believe the truth. I just don't know how to kick my flesh in the a$$ and tell it to go to hell.

Girl, I just want to tell you that you are not alone in this. My scars are special to me as well. And though its not our desire to flaunt them, for me it's a way of seeing where I came from and where I am now. Instead of open cuts, I have scars. I know I have mentioned this on the board before but during communion at church and sometimes during praise and worship (especcially with singing songs about the blood of Jesus), I take my hand and cover my scars while I sing or pray. It is my way of affirming and confessing that the sacrifice of Jesus on the cross for me covers the scars of my past and the physical scars that I inflicted on myself.

I like what you said about starting to wear short sleeves because you were tired of being held down by them. That is such an awesome step of freedom. To say to yourself, God and the world that yes I own these scars, I own my past, and yet I have a future that is going to be so much brighter than my past. Your scars are a great testimony of what God has done in your life and in that sense, flaunt away, praise God for where He has brought you from and use them as a testimony of God's love and grace to others.

As far as you wanting more scars or want bigger scars. That is not an uncommon thing either. I know when I was just coming out of self injury and really deciding that I wasn't going to self injury anymore, I struggled with that. I think sometimes after we have not self harmed in a while we view our scars as "old cuts". I know sometimes it's easy to think that even our scars (as with our cuts) don't tell an adequate story of what we've gone through. So definately understand that aspect of things. When you haven't had a voice for so long, having that voice is a big thing, even if it's just from your scars.

So not sure if those thoughts make sense but I want you to know that you aren't alone and that your struggles are legitamate and not strange.

That makes so much sense, Steph!

"our scars are a great testimony of what God has done in your life and in that sense, flaunt away, praise God for where He has brought you from and use them as a testimony of God's love and grace to others."

That really... is true! I have a shirt that says "Ask me my story; it's my testimony that draws men to God." And I guess you're right. Cuts were past... scars are present... and it shows that God brought me through hell... why not praise Him for that instead of being dsfhjdfidsjfo about the fact that I used to be there?

Thanks.

I was actually goitng to say exactly what Steph said. I have several scars, but you shouldnt let them stop you from wearing whatever you want or so on. you should think of them like battle scars, and everything you have overcome. Whenever my mom talks about my scars, i dont care, because they dont bother me...i jsut think of where i was, and where i am now. so jsut try that:)

Agree witht he two post above. Your scars sure are going to be a strong testimony for you. It really will. YOu have been thorugh a lot in your life and it has only made you stronger and who youa re today sweetie, Im keeping you in my prayers;. love you girlie