Recovery makes me happy

by Guest Thu Jul 29, 2010 4:16 am

Earlier today I was feeling really low, and really wanted to act out in SI. I was looking on the board at the achievements... and how long all of ya'll have gone without doing anything. Being curious, I tallied my number. It came to 169 days. While, yes, 169 days is amazing in itself... that number was even more special. The last time I went that long without acting out with my SI, I was 16 and in a therapeutic group home. I wasn't allowed razors, pencils, pencil sharpeners, paper clips... you get the picture. I was monitored pretty much 24/7. I got tired of strip searches, people watching me shower, etc., so I just stopped. It was then that I went 167 days without acting out. It wasn't because I wanted to, it was because I was tired of being violated when I did. As soon as I left the group home, I started again.

Now I'm at 169 days. Two more than last time... and of my own accord. I chose recovery. I wanted recovery. It has been hard as hell, and at times I really thought I would give in, like today. But as soon as I realized that I had beat my own record, it really made something in my snap. I CHOSE RECOVERY. There is a reason why I haven't hurt myself in 169 days. That reason is because I didn't want to, because a part of me knew that if I chose to do so it would ruin my life again.

Usually I don't like looking at the numbers. 169 days is great! But, so is 1. I don't like looking at numbers, because I fear if I fall, I have to start back at 0. But... this time it helped. It has really, really done something that I can't explain.

After realizing this... I posted a status on facebook about it. Usually I'll get a couple of comments on things, a few likes... but when I logged on and saw the responses... I was blown away. And it made me want to stay and continue in recovery more than ever. I am going to post the thing from my facebook... but I crossed out everyone's last name but mine. I don't give a crap about privacy, but I felt like I shouldn't broadcast their last names for everyone to see.

Recovery makes me happy Facebook3

No, I am not recovering for them, but for myself. However, seeing how much they love me, and how much they want to see me succeed, definitely helps ME want to want it... if that makes sense. These people have stuck by my side no matter how hideous I got... and I got pretty hideous. People who left comments were friends, people from Mercy, my aunt, my pastor, my teacher, another teacher, a substitute teacher (uhm... I was a teacher's pet) (also, two of the "likes" came from two other teachers. Haha), friends, my friend's mom and dad... I'm just blown away. And... I have to laugh at Kristen for writing "not physically" after saying how much I've grown. I find it amazing how well my friends know me!

I have so much support. So many people love me and care about me. They have invested sooo much time and money to help me recover. I am now going to show them that it was well worth it.

I chose recovery for a reason, and I am sticking with it.

by **Steph** Thu Jul 29, 2010 9:10 am

Oh Kerry, your post makes ME happy! Very Happy

It was music to my ears. There is victory in Christ. He has defeated death which means that we can overcome anything in this life! What an awesome testimony you have of freedom! Thanks for sharing this with us.