Question and struggling

I'm really ashamed to admit to all of this and have to be asking this in general, but I'm like my grandmother and I worry easily.
I take all natural sleep aids every night so I get more than 2-4 hours of sleep. I've been purging a lot recently, even when I've only eaten a small amount of food and taking laxatives in large quantities round the clock. When I took my sleep aids tonight, I took an entire bottle of laxatives. That's 50 laxatives. And I'm REALLY ashamed to admit it, but it's not the first time I've taken the whole bottle at once. Tonight, it affected me differently though. I felt like I was going to throw everything pack up and almost did. Is it possible that my sleep aids and the laxatives had a bad effect on each other? I've taken them together before, but never this many. I'm kind of nervous about it.
I don't want to have to worry about any of this though. I'm so tired of always thinking about calories, skipping meals, lying to my grandma, purging, constantly exercising, etc. In the past week, I've lost 18 pounds! That's insane, but I can't bring myself to eat more. I had under 500 calories today and I still feel like it was too much. I just want to look at myself in the mirror and like just 1 part of me. That's it. Just 1 part and I would be happy. Does it ever end?

Actually i not sure I could be wrong sense I have no medical study at all... but you could have ODed on accident.. i really couldn't tell you. Eventually this will all end. You just have to give it time

Is it possible to OD on laxatives and vitamins/supplements? I'm going to Google that, but I doubt I have any luck. It just doesn't feel like it will ever end. I'll do good for a week or even two, then I'm right back where I am now.

idk, I am not a doctor soo yea I really have not medical study in my background lol.

Yes you can overdose on both laxatives and supplements. Please be careful.

I'm sorry to say that even if you looked in the mirror and liked one thing about yourself that wouldn't be enough until you realize how God sees you. He doesn't just love one part of you, He loves every part of you. You are His creation. Never forget that.

yea I agree with steph!! ^_^

Yah, I found that out after doing some research and for some unexplainable reason, taking even more. I ended up taking 135, over 2 1/2 bottles. I have no clue why I took more thinking back on it. I scared myself though. My head was pounding all night, felt nauseated, and barely slept at all. I thought about calling poison control or my youth minister (she's an RN), but it was 2 AM and I was afraid of waking my grandma up and I didn't want to wake up my youth minister. Even though I scared myself really bad last night, I still took more today. I can't go to the restroom without them because I've been taking them so long.
I know that God loves me and thinks that I'm beautiful, but I don't know how to explain it. I have so much pressure from my family, some friends, and dance instructor to loose weight and be thin. I was told that I was too fat to dance by my old dance instructor when I was 7 years old, 3'6" (about) and under 40 pounds. I've never told my parents this. Heck, I've been dieting since I was 9. I don't think I ever really had a very healthy relationship with food or my body.
And today is my grandma's 70th birthday. The whole family is having diner and cake and ice cream. I haven't had anything to eat or drink all day. I'm afraid if I drink a bunch of water I'll look bloated. And I'm not hungry, but I'll have to eat because my aunt will be watching. She's the only one that has caught on so far. I don't know what I'm going to do.

ok wow, and the only one that has caught on to my ed was my moms boyfriend he would say like don't turn to anorexia turn to food or something like that. I was like O.o ehhhhh.... i was thinking how does he know? its very awkward when someone catches on quick. he hasn't been here long and he already caught on. So yea i know what you mean, he watches if i eat or not and when he looks away real quick i feed some to the dog. lol that he hasn't caught on yet.

Yah. She just married my uncle in January and she's already caught on. In a way I'm glad she has, but in a way I'm not. She sat right next to me yesterday too. :/ There was no way I was getting away with much.

yea thats hard like my moms boyfriend tries to make me eat

It almost makes me feel kind of defiant when she tries to make me eat. I usually end up hiding it somehow, so it does her no good.I almost feel like saying no, but I would never tell an adult no.

Can you make a deal with her Jenny? Come to a compromise and agree to a certain amt that you'll eat, and just have that understanding that when with her you are expected to eat that amount regardless. They are just concerned for you.

I can ask her about that. I'll actually be with her a lot tomorrow. And I know she does it because she loves me. And I kind of appreciate it, but at the same time I don't. I don't know. It's hard to explain. I'm pretty close with her, but this is just hard for me to talk about and explain to people.