Struggling...*possible trigger*

Hey everyone...I'm struggling right now..I want to cut really bad...and I havent told anyone at all..not even my gf..no one knows..I just feel ashamed that I want to again...I have 11 months without it exactly today...I dont understand why I want to so bad...I mean things are ok..Idk..I think I just want to sabatage my recovery for some reason..I'm scared to get that one year mark next month..it's like if I get there..and then later I screw up I will be screwing up a whole year..not just a few months like I used to. That isnt as big of a deal is one year..Idk..Its hard being in the house I'm in right now cause there are.."tools" here that I can use...and I cant really get rid of them cause they arent mine..Idk I feel stupid for writing this..I guess I just needed to get it all out..I probably wont do anything cause I hate that feeling of guilt afterward..so I probably shouldnt have bothered you all..Oh well. Thanks for listening. I appreciate it. <3

Don't feel stupid! I felt that way for almost the whole two years I did it.....trust me when I say this, it's not worth going back. When I fell back I was like hey! this isn't as bad as I thought it would be and kept doing it then like a few weeks later the reality hit and it wasn't nice! I'm still dealing with the efects of it now after not doing it for like 2 or 3 weeks? Idk I would have to sit down and actually figure it out but it sucks!

Yeah I know its not worth it. I'm not going back. Thanks. <3

Don't feel stupid. You need to be able to talk about it. The tools you speak of is there someplace where they can be put out of your reach and out of sight?
We are here to support you and lift you up when your down.
I will be praying for you and I am just an email away if you need someone to talk too.

Hun I felt the same way at the 11 month mark. I was a wreck, I was so happy that I had made it that far yet scared. I didnt want to mess up and have to start all over again. When I hit the 1 year mark I once again was a wreck feeling the same way. Now that Im like 19 month SI free is still find myself getting worked up at month points, for me I think thats its the "old" me saying if you fail Im going to laugh so much harder in your face that is something that I am working on.

Thanks Rebecca...I dont really know if they can be...it would mean them knowing im struggling with it right now..and I dont know them very well except my gf..and it would be hard to tell them...so idk. But thanks. And thanks so much beautiful disgrace. that really helped me. <3