Support and Encouragement

I just wanted to say that it really does make a difference in the recovery process with the support/encouragement you receive from a close friend. I've received counseling before. It helped, but I didn't have support/encouragement from a close personal friend in my everyday life, like I had now. Of course I have all you on here, and that's awesome, but there's just something about having a close personal friend you can physically see a couple times a week and talk to and get hugs from, and keep you accountable. I've found that person. She's my youth pastor, Cindy. She's the most awesome person I've met in my life. I met her for the first time almost a year ago(it'll be a year ago at the end of october). How we came to meet was definately a God thing--there's no way around it. I attended a drama they had, and me not like being late and being told that the previous night it was packed out, went really early. I figured that since doors were open, I could just walk on in, and no one complained. They just went and got Cindy, and she sat down and started talking to me like she knew me, when i'd never seen her before in my life. she was asking me questions like "how's your day been? did you have school today? where do you go to school? how'd it go?" just stuff like that.honestly, she was the first person I met there, and i was hooked to that church just because of those few minutes where she made me feel welcome. i attended there the following sunday for the first sunday service i've ever been apart of and once again, i felt so very welcome. fast-forward a few months to this past febuary. i started attending the youth group there off and on when i would have to work wednesday evenings since the church is literally less than a mile from where i work and where i used to attend was almost 20minutes away, so i would've missed over half of the youth group. well, it was literally WOW when i walked in there. i was so warmly welcomed. however, after they had me not working wednesday nights for a while, i stopped going there for youth and went back to my parents church for youth, and i saw a HUGE difference. i said i can't do this anymore, i'm leaving this church for good(talking about my parents church), and this past april i think it was is when i started attending youth group all the time there. i quickly made friends there, and they're pretty good at reading me(they don't know about the cutting, but there's one girl that'll ask me "how are you really doing?" and she only does that when i say i'm ok, or i'm good, but i'm really not. ok, so fast forward to june--i walked up to cindy at the end of youth one wednesday night and just said "sometime can i talk to you about something?" and she asked me if i could stick around for a little bit after service and i said yeah. and she just said to give her a few minutes to get the room cleared out. i wasn't prepared for that--my anxiety went through the roof. so i waited like 5minutes and texted my brother just telling him i was hanging around church for a while(he didn't know why) and to tell my mom that i would be later getting home. anyway, long story short, we talked for the LONGEST time, like 45minutes or more. at first, i couldn't say anything, when we sat down. and she looked at me, and said that there wasn't anything i could tell her that she hadn't heard before. so i just started with something like several years ago i started doing something that i really wish i hadn't and now am having difficulty stopping and that i knew i needed someone to keep me accountable. she asked me if i sometimes cut myself, if that's what i was talking about, and all i could do was nod. and you know what she did? she didn't run off, she didn't freak out, all she did was grab me in a great big hug and just hugged me for the longest time. and then she grabbed my arm and just held it(that told me she wasn't afraid), and we just talked. she asked me about my family, about the 2little boys i bring to church with me on sunday mornings, about school and work, and everything else. and then when we just slowly stopped talking we prayed. she said she'd be my accountability partner, and we exchanged cell numbers. she hugged me again, gave me a mirror that has all that God says we are in Him. the following sunday, she walked right up to me and asked how i was, and even though i wasn't really ok, i said ok(i guess hoping that she'd see right through me). and then after service, i walked right up to her and told her that sometime between the time we had talked wednesday night and that sunday morning(i don't remember when it was now), i had given in and cut. and she said we'd talk about it more wednesday evening before church, and we did. she has not once been condescending. she has shown me nothing but love, support, and encouragement. even when i sat down with the pastor a couple weeks ago, she was right there. she's so good at reading me--she now knows my ok's that are good and the ones that aren't good--that i'm just saying to not say i'm not doing ok. she's also helping me to discover warning signs of when i am getting over stressed and what-not, and what to do, which includes deep breathing, and just focusing on that(and of course whatever i'm doing at work), and also working on relaxing my shoulders when i feel them tense up.
here's just a few texts she's sent me just to give you a picture of the support i'm talking about. when i report to her that i have given in says "tomorrow's a new day" ( i text her every evening before i go into work and then as soon as i get off for a report, and since i work the late nights, then that's all that really can be said). also "we believe in you", "YOU GOT THIS", "Awesome", "You can do all things through Christ who strengthens you", "Keep it up!", "I am so proud of you" and of course the every time she sees me hug with a great big "i love you". honestly, she knows more about me than even my best friend, and that's saying a lot because we tell eachother everything. i trust her with all i have. i didn't until VERY RECENTLY, as in the last couple days, but my trust has really grown. the more i see her and talk to her, the more it grows.
i say all this to say that if you can just find one person who believes in you and helps you and encourages you the way cindy does me(if that's possible because it'll be hard to find anyone half as awesome as she is) then that really will go a long way in the recovery process. she even told me today, we're going to celebrate when i get past the longest time i've gone without cutting, but that's 4 1/2 months away, but still she says we're going to celebrate. the biggest thing that's stuck with me all these months is the "WE". when i would talk to the youth pastors at my parents church it would always be "stop this right now. you have to stop this right now. don't you know you're sinning? don't you know that when you cut yourself, you're hurting God's temple?" and the answer to those questions was yes, i know that, but its hard to stop. and i know they didn't understand because i was the first cutter they'd known, but still, support is needed. however, with cindy, from day one of me telling her, its been "WE". you're not going to get through this, WE ARE going to get through this. that WE has meant more than anything else, because it tells me that i truly am not alone. yeah, i know that God is with me and supports me, but its nice to have a physical person, preferably a female who gives the same support.

Thanks for sharing, yea it's so beautiful to have somebody walk together.

Rejoicing and thankful that you have found support. Remember God loves you (that's why he brought your youth pastor into your life!)

So happy for you

how i know it. last night, when i reported back to her after i got off work, after we'd texted back and forth for a while, i sent her this text "Honestly, when it gets really tough, especially at work, i think of what you've told me in person and text just like what you just said. I can definately say that you have no idea how much it means to me the encouragement and support i've gotten from you. I love you very much. Thanks so much"
that really is how i feel about her. and i thank God all the time for Him putting the desire in me to begin attending that church--to be tired of my parents church, b/c if i wasn't sick of feeling unwanted at my parents church and like i didn't belong to the point of risking feeling uncomfortable and risk being judged by a new church, i never would've met her, and there's no telling where i'd be--certainly not doing as well as i am.