Worth it? (trigger possibility)

Why am I such an abusive bastard around my family?

I hate it so much. Since I stopped harming myself I've just gone back to treating my mum and my little brother appallingly. It's like I deliberately choose words to hurt them as much as possible, I deliberately destroy my brother's self-esteem... because I'd rather be a cause of it than just watch my dad and not do anything to prevent it. In fact I'm worse than he is. He doesn't get physical anymore; I relish beating up my brother and seeing his defenceless tears. I'm so ashamed of this. I mean, I work for a flipping church, I'm trusted around kids and yet I'm like this at home. I feel so guilty and ashamed I can't face up to it properly and deal with it. It hurts too much emotionally, because I am a wimp when it comes to emotional pain. Returning to cutting would make it feel real, and would help me deal with that pain enough to make some changes. Maybe. And it would give me an outlet for my anger other than other people, which is surely better...

I keep telling myself if I had a girlfriend I'd be better; she would somehow be able to calm me and teach me to be tender again. And I've good reason to think that that genuinely would happen. But I can't, God's made that clear, and so I just don't know what to do. I mean, I know His strength is the answer, but on the face of it, that doesn't feel enough. I... might go back to hurting myself just so I can stop treating them so badly. But then that would hurt my mum just as much as my current behaviour does... I don't know.

I'm so, so sorry girls. Look at me. I'm a monster. I don't deserve help or love from anyone, from any of you. But if this monster may have the bare-faced cheek to ask one thing, it is this - please will someone pray for me?

Hey hun,
My question for you is...why can't you have both? If you can control your actions enough to not cut, why wouldn't you be able to control your actions and attitude toward your family? With God's strength you can! Confess it before Him! Sometimes we fall over and over again but as long as we keep seeking the Lord and laying down our sinfulness at His feet, we will OVERCOME! Life is a journey, embrace it and continue to move in the right direction with Jesus.

Thanks Steph

Logically that makes sense. It's just that so much anger and fear and frustration are tied up in family relationships that exercising control there is now much harder than controlling the urge to harm. It is undoubtedly an area where I am far from sanctified, in the gradual sense of the word, and need Jesus' restoring power. I guess I just need to trust that He has the power to change me, and will in time if I keep trying. Its an area I tend to ignore when possible because it's complicated and frustrating, and puts me to shame. Which probably doesn't help things.

But I really want to sort it out before I go away to university in October, and I see the genuine danger of developing low self-esteem my brother is in. But sometimes making an effort just seems so futile.

Don't be so hard on yourself. We've all do things we wish we hadn't and the past thing to do is let that be your past and learn from it. My new favorite quote is "Let it be you history, His story, and not your present." It's a great one to go by, even though it may be difficult at times. Ask for God's forgiveness and let His spirit guide you. When you get angry, try going for a walk to calm down, or staying by yourself momentarily, but take care NOT to harm yourself. You ARE worth it. 100%. Don't go back to hurting yourself again though. That doesn't help anyone. I've seen what it's put my sister and my mom through, and I wish that I could erase it from their memory, but I can't. Please take care hun, and I am prying for you, because no matter what, You are a princess of the King of Kings, a beautiful daughter to the most high God. His delight is in you and he loves you no matter where you've been, no matter what you've done. That's the amazing part of God's grace. You can PM me anytime you need to talk.

I wish I could "like" Jenny's post..everything I was going to say

Praying for you girl! You can do this, we're here for you

Thanks guys - much more positive today.

I may not be able to do this in my own strength, but with God all things are possible. I just need to be self-disciplined and keep looking to Him for peace. After all, we are all called to leave our sinful ways behind and 'to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness' (Eph 4:24) The power is there; I just need to take it up.

Nice practical suggestions as well =)

That's good And you're definitely right about leaning on God's strength. He'll help you through. Remember, He doesn't give us anything that's too hard for us to handle (1 Corinthians 10:13)

Jenna took the words straight from my mouth! You're thinking along the right path. Keep it up!