Pretending

I'm finally going to be going to psychlogist again and Im happy about it. but the thing is I keep pretending for every single person in my team workers(these are the workers who help with school,social outings and making sure i have physical thearpy soon.) i say to myself im done with cutting and i know i am but at the bottom of my heart and in the back of my mind i say if i ever feel the urge to cut again i know what i'll use to make it happen. Im emotionally drained as of right now.no wonder i slept for like 12hrs today. I see the scissors that are used to cut the bandages in the bathroom cabinet. and say if i need to i will do it. if i ever revealed something like that again there goes the whole thing with my college program it's too stressful and blah blah blah. Im fed up with people thinking they know me. as i talked to my RT yesterday and told her about stuff like having my inital assesment for the psychologist she said "how did that go and how are you feeling about it" i said i was fine of course because im overjoyed to finally have that support system again. what should i do. who should i tell the only person i can trust to not maybe betray me is my private tutor. and i would only say that i cut if i actually did because the last time i said i was thinking about it, it turned into a whole mess.

I show that I'm happy at school, with friends, and when im out and about but privately i know that i should be writing more but i don't want my asking questions and stuff. like what are you writing can i see.

I know it might be hard hun buts it better to talk about them kinds of things rather then let them sit in your mind and run wild.

I don't want to just have a random outburst or say something I didn't mean. I am happy it's just that at times the stressful schedule is what gets me and it's only going to get harder after March Break when I have placement and have to go every day. I don't know where I am going or what to expect. I feel that I don't have any 2nd year friends from my town to ask them how there placement went.