Back and Forth [trigger possibility]

Before I went to Mercy, my ED was pretty intense. I'm not going to say severe, but intense. My starting weight was extremely high (according to doctors, I was obese), and within a few months I was down to about the middle of average, which was a HUMONGOUS leap.

After I went to Mercy, I threw away most all of my ED tendencies. A few slip ups here and there, but nothing that caused me to really back track.

But, that being said, I gained about half of the weight back.

And the thing is... I am happy right now.

Recovery is a happy place to be. I haven't walked in any of my issues for about 8ish months, and I am incredibly happy with that.

And for the most part, I am happy with myself.

If I glance in the mirror, it's "oh, I'm kind of cute," but if I keep looking, I manage to point out every flaw. I can't fit into any of my old clothes. And I have noticed a difference in my health when concerning exercise and my asthma.

And I have been toying with the thoughts and ideas of my ED. Back and forth, back and forth. But I haven't acted on it.

And in my past with "normal" or "healthy" diets, it didn't work. It seems like if I eat anything, even as small as one carrot stick, I won't lose weight. I'll maintain weight, not lose it, or gain it, even if I exercise a butt load. And my mentality tells me that the ONLY way possible for me to lose weight again is to revert back to my ED.

And I am pretty content overall with myself. I mean, I know I don't have a great body, and usually I am okay with that. I'm still cute, I have a great personality, yaddayaddayadda. Superficialsuperficialsuperficial.

But, the thoughts keep coming back.

If only I were prettier.

If only I were thinner.

If only this, if only that. It's like I feel being thin would solve all life's problems. I could get a job more easily because I'd be pretty. I'd make friends more easily, meet a guy more easily, etc., etc., etc. Not to mention, I'd save a lot of money on food.

I am pretty strong in my recovery, and I don't want to screw it up. But, I also don't want to be stuck like this forever.

And I don't want people to preach at me... because that's pointless and annoys the mess out of me. I more or less needed to vent.

I know I'm not one who should say this; however. Your such a beautiful God. You have a beautiful smile. And your eyes are gorgeous!!! You truly are a beautiful young girl. God made you remarkably and woderfully. You have been made in the image of jesus christ and he is truly perfect. He is in you sweetie, your beautiful but you have to believe it an tell yourself your beautiful when you look in the mirror, an if those thoights keep coming up then keep telling yourself your beautiful until they are gonean love you