IDK... I can't control it

I am really wanting to SI but I know I shouldn't. I hurt so much inside. I can't control these urges they scream at me. Everytime I see something that can possibly harm me I think would that work. Idk I feel so out of control. I have almost 9 months cut free and I don't want to go back. But these urges. This pain. are screaming at me. I don't want to continue like this. I can't stand it. My hand twitches at the very thought of cutting. OMGoodness... Someone help me?

Feel the fear and do it anyways....as scary as it is we are able to, with God's help, spread our wings and do those things which we think are impossible. Life is about choices and to make the right choice we have to first do what we do not want to do and know that it will be the best thing for us even if we do not think it 'feels' very good.

I really believe that if you're able to shift the way you're looking at things, recovery will be a real possiblilty for you. But you really are going to have to try.

I am going through this.. i can't stand it.. I really want too, but I know I can't cut.. I want to go a full year of no cutting. I know I can do it.. but my body doesn't want me too.. its sooo hard for me it really is.

You are right you CAN do this!!!! I'm so proud of you for the 9 months you've gone without SI. You are making a huge step by telling yourself "I know I can't cut". That was a big part of my own recovery. Telling myself that my cutting isn't pleasing to God, and I love God therefore I can't do something that I know God doesn't approve of. I love Him to much to let Him down and turn my back on him by cutting. It gives me strength even now to resist cutting even when like you said "my body tells me I need it". In reality none of us need it, we just want control over our feelings and emotions. But in reality we need to be letting God have the control. We need to seek Him in all things and not seek an inaminate object such as the blade that doesn't last.

Another thing, the temptations will come, but your true test is whether or not you choose to stand against those temptations and WIN!

right now I am winning I think... my hands haven't been steady so I can't hold anything right now.... buuut yea, I am a lil on the calm side cause I listened to Pour My Love on You, I can't remember who sings it.. but I like that song... but I am having what i like to call a parkinsons attack.. cause when it happens my hands shake uncontrolably.

You are winning by not giving in. Keep up the good work!

I know I found a blade somewhere and I threw out of my reach.. and now I don't know where it is lol... soo i am safe for now I threw it the forest like I did with my last blade.. haha..

That's really, really good! Throwing out your blades is a hard step, but it's a step in the right direction

yessss I have been praying more and more everyday. I have been praising him everyday. I have been singing worship songs everyday. Man I feel like.. Idk amazing at the moment. Its such an awesome feeling. I even talked to a friend of mine who is a christian I and me and her we had like a 30 minute praying session together. It was amazing. I might start a little Bible study in the Park near me. Its walking distance for me! ^_^ I would love to share the word of God. I have taught it before and its amazing to see how many people love Christ. I am gonna see how I can get this started though.

WOW, I was SO encouraged by what you just wrote! Praise God that He changes lives and uses us so incredibly! Keep going, girl, you are going to do great things for the Lord

Back in Michigan I was the MOST active church member. I was in everything. I was in the Worship band, Impact team, I was an Alter Counselor, I was a VBS teacher for the tykes, I was also on the dance team and drama team. I loved doing everything in the lords favor. It gave me the utmost enjoyment and happiness in my life. Now I want to form my own bible study near me. Idk how I am gonna do that, but when it happens its gonna be great.

That is awesome that you are wanting to serve the Lord in these ways! A park bible study sounds like a GREAT idea. You could make up signs and post in grocery stores and stuff to advertise. Great way to share the gospel and also meet new people.

I know I was thinking of how much fun I had while in a group like that 3 years ago but it was through the youth group I mean I will be like the leader of it. I might a friend to switch with me idk yet. I am still thinking of details to put on the flyers. =D

This sounds great! I'm so proud of you for going the 9 months and not giving in when you really wanted to! You're an inspiration to me. What you're doing for God is great! keep it up. He's gonna use you to do great things.